I’m sick. 

I feel poisoned. 

I feel demonized, like I’ve been possessed.  

In my head, I’m sick.  My body feels sick and poisoned and weak and fragile and gone.  

I asked for this; in a roundabout way, I did.  I really did.  

I wanted to change.  I wanted to change my habits, my desires, my brain chemistry.   It happened because I wanted it to happen.  

It happened in this way because I’m stubborn and have reason and justify everything to get what I want.  I don’t REALLy want it.  Not until now.  

I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.  

I feel like something has attacked my insides and now my mind finds something is following me and I can’t control it, I can’t tame it as hard I try, I can’t let it go or push it out completely and I want to, I need to.

For my sanity it has to go.  

I’m not afraid to admit I need help sometimes.  

I need help. 


Pura Vida

“Pura Vida” – Pure Life: a term coined in Costa Rica; life your best life; good looks.

Why can’t we live our best lives, be our best selves?  Because we don’t live in paradise?  No; we can live our best lives by loving ourselves by being our best versions.
Something so remarkable about other countries is the emphasis, or lack thereof – truly, on the human body.  It is just a vehicle. It is just a suit.  We all have one, just in different shapes, sizes, capabilities and so forth.  Dress it with care, treat it with love, flaunt it because you have one.
The emphasis we put on bodies in the US is a negative one.  We preach sex is taboo, bodies are sacred and everything is as P.C. as possible.  Sex is sacred and personal; bodies are sacred but anatomical, vehicles, suits, essential; and everyone should be treated properly with human decency and dignity and RESPECT no matter the outfit or uniform.  Look, but never touch; speak, but do not be assuming or disrespectful.  The difference is clear and the line is thick.  Do not mistake and do not cross.
Live your best life through acts of righteous and consciousness.  Be your best self through honor, respect and truth.  Be a quality person at all times.  The golden rule, right?  “Treat others as you yourself would like to be treated.”
Pura Vida.

Adventure Time

I am truly a blessed person.  (*Gratitude is the attitude, y’all.*)  I have more money than I need.  I have love and family and friends.  I have a wonderful job.  I have great health.  I have options.  I have had experiences.

I am embarking on the next adventure: Costa Rica!  But I am also embarking on the next adventure in life with my partner.  He’s just graduated massage school and has all of his ducks in a row for obtaining his licensure.  This next phase of our lives with bring knowledge, education, more income and freedom than we’ve known lately.  It will provide stability, quality of life and satisfaction without complacency.  It will bring joy, excitement and the ability to branch out, meet others and enjoy more travel.  But most of all, it will bring a sense of pride, especially for Talbott.

In these past nine months he’s been in school, it’s been my responsibility and pleasure to be the breadwinner.  He wants as much as possible to take care of me, to restore a sense of pride and “manhood(?)” to himself and raise his self-esteem.  Since the age of 13 he’s worked.  This is the first time in his life he hasn’t held a job, and I didn’t want him to.  For two solid years he helped me when I was in school, and it was time I repaid the debt.  It has been an honor to watch him grow and study and focus on one thing and begin to master his art.  He is well on his way to becoming a master, not simply a “jack of all trades”.  I can’t explain the pride I feel for him, the sense of wonder I hold for his determination and perseverance.

This vacation is as much for me as it is a gift for him.  I am blessed to be in a position to provide without worry and to experience partnership.  I am blessed to have been graced with a partner as selfless and appreciative as mine.

I have envisioned myself with someone like this since I was a child.  I am thankful to have brought to fruition this kind of love, partnership, empathy, selflessness and graciousness.

As my mom says, onward and upward!



Never settle for less than what you want, less than what you deserve, less than what you need.  The perfect piece to your personal puzzle is out there lying in wait for the perfect moment to come to realization.

Don’t settle for mediocre relationship(s).
Don’t settle for less than beneficial jobs.
Don’t settle for uncomfortable positions, just to get by.
Don’t settle for anything that means taking less than.
Knowing your worth and what you want, you end up with a lot less of what you don’t.
What does your pride mean to you?  What does your own value mean?  What about your dignity?
Be your voice.  Be strong.  Stand in your power and take no prisoners.

Keeping it Real

I never imagined I’d be a person to harbor anxiety, but last week it was the most intimidating thing I’ve felt in quite some time.  It dragged me down far into my psyche, to some deep and dark and scary places I’d not explored in a while and for no particular reason other than the fact I felt this overwhelming anxiety.  I’m not what you’d call an anxious person.  I’m more of a living in the moment, brushing things off, and allowing the process to unfold type.

But at work, I finally confessed and unraveled all my overwhelm onto/with a coworker.  What I appreciated most in that moment was the ability to feel safe and vulnerable and truly feel into my anxiety and accept my logorrhea that took place.  She allowed me to open up and fess up without judgment.  And as soon as I unloaded, it all flew away.  I recapped that night for Talbott, he hadn’t heard it yet either, and he looked at me calmly, breathed in deeply – I followed – and exhaled just as deeply – I followed; then held me.

I woke up the next day, freer than I’d felt in those last seven days.

What’s important to realize is that we are never as alone as we think, as we are inside of our heads. Sometimes a reality check, a vent session, a hug, can cure all the problems you feel in the world, in those few moments.  When you realize you hold the world in the palm of your hands, how can there be anything wrong?

Lao Tzu put it best:

To stay in the future brings anxiety.  To dwell in the past brings nostalgia.  To be in the present brings peace.


Space Monkeys

Another Fight Club inspiration:
You are not your weight.

You are not your age.
You are not your gender.
You are not your status.
You are not your parents.
You are not your education.
You are not your race.
You are not your religion.
You are not your money.
You are you.  You are you for everything despite these other things.  You are you for your personality, for your ambitions, for your hopes and dreams and aspirations.  You are you for you.  To be anything other than, to be taken at face value for anything other than you is simply a mask, a traitorous act, a lie.
You are you.


Be impressed by your own self.
I impress myself every day.  No, I’m not bragging.  I’ve worked hard to get to this point, a place I never thought I’d ever be in.
Impressing yourself doesn’t sound hard, but it can be if you focus on the single bad thing that happened in a day and having that reflect your entire day rather than simply the moment.
Impress yourself by getting up on time instead of snoozing the alarm; say no to the second or third cup of coffee.  Impress yourself by taking pride in your work even if those around you don’t.  Impress yourself by that extra rep at the gym you couldn’t do a week or a month or even a year ago.  Impress yourself with honesty and integrity.
Be your own kind of motivation.
Be your own hero.
Impress yourself.
Be that spark for yourself because you never know who is watching, and perhaps you will ignite that spark in them.